The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane

How is it that some people can just walk into a room, and in moments, you believe they are powerful? Id always been fascinated by that and how I can weave this mastery over body language, eye contact, and manner of speaking into my own life. Through this book, I feel like Ive been given a playbook: To be a charismatic person, you have to give the impression that you have a lot of power and that you like the other person/people a lot. You dont need to impress people, you let them impress you. You don’t need to sound smart; you just need to make them feel smart.

The secret isnt that complicated. You have to truly believe in yourself. When you are able to build a system of self-confidence and resiliency to against detractors that bring you down, your body takes on that mentality. While that sounds obvious and crazy difficult, this book has a number of concrete reframes and exercises you can use to walk that path.

You need to do 3 things for someone to perceive you as charismatic:
* Power - Being perceived as able to affect the world around them
* Warmth - Will use whatever power you have in their favor
* Presence - Has your full attention and you are the most important thing in the world to them at this moment

3 quick tips
* Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. When you want to sound superconfident, you can even lower your intonation midsentence.
* Reduce how quickly and how often you nod
* Pause for two full seconds before you speak

Increasing your charisma requires first knowing which internal obstacles are currently inhibiting your personal charisma potential. Techniques to do this:
* Mindfulness - Become aware when you are tensing, feeling anxious
* Responsibility transfer - Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity—the Universe, God, Fate—and entrust it with all the worries on your mind. Imagine yourself converting your source of worry into a physical form and giving it to the powerful entity, reliving that burden from you.
* Destigmatizing - Understanding that our worry is normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. If you’ve just lost a key client, for instance, think of someone you know—a mentor you have a high regard for, or a colleague you respect—who suffered a similar setback. Imagine them going through this experience.
* Neutralize negative thoughts - Recognize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate. The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort. There’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you or what you’ve just said.
* Rewrite reality - Choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma. What if this unfortunate, unpleasant experience is absolutely perfect just as it is? A gift? Find ways to be grateful.

Visualization - As it has been proven to help alter our mind state, relive past victories and project future ones. Guided imagery must be precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective. When visualization is used with Olympic ski teams, skiers visualize themselves careening through the entire course, feeling their muscles tensing, experiencing each bump and turn in their minds.
* Play music while you verbalize or subvocalize, choosing songs that you know make you feel especially energized and confident
* Imagine a relevant, more extreme scene. If you have to be warm and empathetic going into a meeting, imagine a young child coming to tell you her troubles at school.

Example - close your eyes:
Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant—for example, the day you won a contest or an award. ♦ Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause. ♦ See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration. ♦ Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes. ♦ Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.

Show goodwill
Goodwill is a highly effective way both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others. When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars. When our only aim is to broadcast goodwill, it takes the pressure off. We’re no longer striving, struggling, pushing for things to go in a certain direction. And since we’re less concerned about how the interaction goes, we can both feel and project more charismatic confidence.
* Find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward
* What if this were their last day alive? You can even imagine their funeral. You’re at their funeral, and you’re asked to say a few words about them. You can also imagine what you’d say to them after they’d already died.
* Smile

Grow self-compassion
Self-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something. Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval). Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience. Self-compassion is what helps us forgive ourselves when we’ve fallen short; it’s what prevents internal criticism from taking over and playing across our face, ruining our charisma potential. In this way, self-compassion is critical to emanating warmth.

Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing in masses of clean air toward the top of your head; then let it whoosh through you from head to toe as you exhale, washing all concerns away. ♦ Think of any occasion in your life when you performed a good deed, however great or small. Just one good action—one moment of truth, generosity, or courage. Focus on that memory for a moment. ♦ Now think of one being, whether present or past, mythical or actual—Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Muhammed, or the Dalai Lama—who could have great affection for you. This could be a person, a pet, or even a stuffed animal. ♦ Picture this being in your mind. Imagine their warmth, their kindness and compassion. See it in their eyes and face. Feel their warmth radiating toward you, enveloping you. ♦ See yourself through their eyes with warmth, kindness, and compassion. Feel them giving you complete forgiveness for everything your inner critic says is wrong. You are completely and absolutely forgiven. You have a clean slate. ♦ Feel them giving you wholehearted acceptance. You are accepted as you are, right now, at this stage of growth, imperfections and all.

Warm up
* On the day of the marathon, what would you do as you arrived? Would you just stand around until the starting gun and then tear off at top speed? Of course not. You’d probably take care to warm up carefully.
* If, at dinner, you want to broadcast absolute self-confidence, make sure that the day of and especially the hours leading up to the dinner do not include meetings or interactions that could make you feel bad about yourself. Rather than just showing up at dinner, plan a warm-up that will boost your self-esteem: have coffee with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, or plan an activity (play a sport or a musical instrument) that makes you feel competent or accomplished.
* Create your own music playlist for the internal state you’d like to have. You could make one for energy and confidence, one that makes you feel warm and empathetic, and another that makes you feel calm and serene.
* Let’s say that you’re about to discuss a difficult issue with someone who intimidates you. To warm up for the meeting, practice first in your mind, visualizing the scene as you would like it to unfold. Then ask someone with whom you feel comfortable to role-play the situation with you. Make sure you adopt a strong, confident posture. Imagine yourself as a four-star army general reviewing his troops. Take a wide stance, puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, stand straight, and confidently put your arms behind your back. Practice making your arguments with a strong voice and imposing hand gestures.
* Even if you’re really late to a meeting, it’s worth taking just thirty seconds to get back into the right mental state and body language. Otherwise you risk giving a very uncharismatic first impression.

Types of Charisma
* Focus - They can can feel the intensity of your attention, how keenly you listens and absorbs everything they say. Nonverbal body language makes them feel completely listened to, understood, and respected. Use when you need people to open up and share information. Avoid when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.
* Visionary - Make them feel inspired. Project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. Sell on the vision, not yourself. Use when you need to inspire people.
* Kindness - Radiating warmth. Connected to their heart, making them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and accepted. Primarily from eyes. Avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness. Use to create emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable, deliver bad news. Avoid when needing to appear authoritative.
* Authority - Perception of power, ability to influence others. Clothing that shows status. Take up space, minimal movement, slow speaking, pausing, modulating tone. Use to get listened to and be obeyed, in a criss. Avoid when you want to encourage creativity, or constructive feedback.

Right charisma to use
* How are the people around you feeling? What do they need in this moment?

Building resonance when speaking
* Bounce back - Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, as follows: Other Person: “So where are you moving to?” You: “To Chelsea [fact]. We fell in love with the parks and the bakeries [personal note]. What do you think of the neighborhood [redirect]?”
* Use "you" - Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,” try “You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know…” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.
* Relevant metaphors - If they’re into golf and you want to talk about success, speak of hitting a hole in one. If they sail, a catastrophe becomes a shipwreck.
* Pause - Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence. This conveys the feeling that they’re so confident in their power, they trust that people won’t interrupt.
* Modulate tone - Making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence.
* Stay present in your body and awareness of them
* Use imagery and metaphors - Presidents rated as charismatic, such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, used twice as many visual metaphors in their inaugural addresses as did those rated as noncharismatic. When Steve Jobs launched the iPod Nano, he needed a dramatic way to illustrate its small size and light weight. First, he pulled it out of the smallest pocket of his jeans, giving tangible proof of just how small and slim it was. Second, he compared the Nano’s weight to eight quarters: his presentation slide shows the iPod on one side and eight quarters on the other.
* Positive language - When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”
* Mirror body language - Try to mirror the other person’s overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, the shifts in their weight. If they move their left hand, move your right hand. Aim also to adapt your voice to theirs in speed, pitch, and intonation. As long as their body is in a certain emotional mode, it will be nearly impossible to get their mind to feel something different.

How to listen
* Be totally attentive, noting when you drift off and come back and reset eye contact
* Breathe deeply
* Dont interrupt
* Let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said
* Pause 2 seconds (feel like forever)
* Position well - Avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them.
* Keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.

Quick Guide
1. take a breath with hand over heart to get present, relaxed, and self compassionate
2. Stand up tall with a smile, feeling confident and warm
3. Recall a prior moment that evokes this mood. Relive it with sights, sounds, movements
4. Envision how Id like to be. Live it with sights, sounds, movements.
5. Think about the person Im meeting. Identity 3 positive qualities about them.
6. Look at others in the eyes, pretend they are an expert who youre listening to with rapt attention
7. Listen completely, keeping body tall and warm.
8. React first in face, pause before speaking
9. Articulate what they said back, bottom line to the essence

I read a lot of books in this genre - call it "professional self-help." Ive spoken professionally a few times now about leadership and communication, and for my most recent one just a few months ago I did a ton of reading research and a lot of it was books like this one. Most of them are mediocre. I began reading The Charisma Myth expecting more of the same, frankly: platitudes, some common sense stuff, the kinds of advice that will only make sense to people who dont need it. I was just hoping for a tidbit or two that would be useful.

I dont really gush about things. If anything I tend to be very demanding and therefore very critical. Like I said, I think most books in this genre are essentially useless.

The Charisma Myth is a truly phenomenal book. Its so good that I have recommended it to several of my colleagues and it has already changed the way I manage my team and relate to my coworkers. In fact, my first gut reaction when I read it was "I guess I should stop speaking, now, because everything Id want to talk about is covered in here."

Heres the thing: most of these kinds of books give you a few things:

1. Platitudes: useless, pithy sayings.
2. Random Anecdotes: stories that dont really offer any takeaway you can act on.
3. Abstract Imperatives: things like "be a good listener!" If youre not already a good listener thats kind of like saying "Roast Beef Recipe: Get some beef and roast it." Its not helpful - it doesnt tell me what actual specific actions to take.

Heres what this book gave me:

1. Extremely concrete, specific actions: Every piece of advice about conduct or mindset is accompanied by direct actions to take. When youre in a conversation and find your mind drifting, bring it back to a physical sensation in the present, like the feeling in your toes. Thats just one example of many, but theyre all things you can actually DO, not abstract imperatives like "be a better listener" or pithy-but-vapid stuff like "smile more!"

2. Visualizations: Ive never seen anyone push visualization like Olivia does. She makes the compelling point that visualization is something top athletes and actors have known about forever. In my talks Ive always felt slightly uncomfortable urging people to do visualizations, but not anymore, not after reading this. She runs through a lot of specific visualizations, and theyre immediately useful practices.

3. Taxonomies: Of the most useful business and management blogs I read, some of their most useful posts (Im thinking of randsinrepose.com, for example) are taxonomies. "The five kinds of meeting attendees." "The four kinds of firefighting." Or whatever. These are helpful to me because by enumerating a problem space as a handful of distinct categories they help me crystallize my own thinking about it. Olivia does this when she enumerates the four kinds of charisma. Look, I think Im a good manager and leader, an empathetic guy and good at my job, Im not gonna lie, but Id never thought about it in this way. This was pretty eye-opening to me. I read this part and thought, oh yeah, Ive got the "focus" and "kindness" charisma but less of the "authority" and definitely least of all the "visionary" charisma. And that gives me specific things to work on, and a way to understand why Im better at motivating people in certain circumstances rather than others.

To anyone who wants to be more charismatic: to be more successful at work, more able to positively influence those around them, more able to open up and make real connections with others, and just more able to lead a rich and happy life - and I know how this sounds, I swear I dont usually gush like this! - this book tells you everything you need to know. Everything! No other book Ive read does that.

To be clear, thats like saying Rippetoes "Starting Strength" tells you everything you need to know to be a very good, extremely strong weightlifter. You still have to do a ton of really hard work! This book doesnt make you magically charismatic. But it gives you direct, specific, applied practices that, if you do them, will make you more charismatic and enrich your life. Of all the pop psychology, management, leadership, and professional self-help books Ive ever read, I cannot say that about a single other one.

I give this book my absolute highest recommendation. It is absolutely superb. I dont say that lightly.

There are some very good things about this book, and there are some very bad things, some sick things, and some spooky things about this book. Although there are some negative aspects of this book, they can be thrown out without diminishing the value of the good. It’s a good book overall. Just leave out the wacky stuff. I will examine the good and the bad below. This is a very interesting book, and much of it can be very helpful. Some of the exercises have significant results immediately. They’re so effective that I’m kicking myself for not having explored this area before.

But first, I’m not a self-help junkie. In fact, I’ve never read a book like this before, and I’ve never had therapy although after having read this book I wish I had explored this type of material before because it’s very helpful. I write this to explain that this review is from someone who has absolutely no familiarity with this type of material.

It’s a professional self-help type book, but the material doesn’t go deeply into self-help doctrines. It’s more of a book that teaches how to implement already tried and true self-help techniques that are described in other studies, a field guide. The author gives reference to the techniques whereby one can research further. The main objective of the book is to walk the reader through the process to implement these techniques. It’s not a book that you read and then drink a glass of wine as you contemplate a good read while the book sits on the shelf. This is a workbook, a guide to help the reader accomplish something, a book you consult regularly.

When I was very young, someone told me that I was bashful, and I let that label define me. I am shy. That’s me. I get nervous/anxious when I’m around people I don’t know very well, and I have avoided some social activities. I am not a total basket case, but I get nervous in social situations. I also get anxious about other life activities. Maybe the alarm clock won’t go off, and I’ll miss my flight. What if no one talks to me at the party? I had bad, anxious feelings while traveling even while traveling for personal reasons to nice places like Miami Beach and Roatan. Those negative feelings were/are annoying. I put up with them. That’s how I am.

As a result of this, I appear to others as unconfident, unimportant and undesirable (i.e. totally uncharismatic). But after reading this book, I realize that I don’t have to be that way. I can improve. I am kicking myself because I had accepted a certain self for decades, and it didn’t have to be that way.

Enough about me. The book’s approach to charisma involves obtaining three characteristics: presence, warmth and power. Presence is defined as paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts, and this seems to be the simplest of the three to accomplish. This means giving complete attention to someone you’re interacting with. When I’m having a conversation, it’s hard for me to not think about sports or dirty dishes in the sink or whatever. It’s hard to stop the mind from wandering sometimes. This book gives exercises and helpful (very helpful!) methods to keep the mind from wandering and give complete attention to the person you are interacting with.

Warmth is defined as goodwill toward others; in other words, liking your neighbor. And power is defined as being perceived as being able to affect the world around you.

This book’s focus is on body language. Yes, appearance is important and is addressed in the book, but the primary focus is on body language, and it is taught that you can’t fake body language so the book provides many exercises that one can use to put you in the right state of mind so that your body language will communicate the right messages of warmth and power, and this is where it gets wacky.

Before the wackiness, there are some very legitimate, effective exercises that are not at all cuckoo that one can implement. The book talks about negative thoughts and how they can cause one’s body language to not communicate warmth and power. Anxiety, self-doubt, self-criticism are not charismatic qualities. Everyone has anxiety. Those who say they don’t are only fooling themselves, but the book provides exercises that one can implement to destigmatize and neutralize negative thoughts.

For example, just this morning I was worried. Precious is going to undergo some surgery. She had a job, but she quit it after less than four days. She got fired from her previous job. She’s also working on getting a bachelor’s degree. She doesn’t currently have a job. Just last night she bought a pair of shoes online for $150. She likes to spend. Our car is over 9 years old so we’ll need to get a new one in the near future. I was worried about finances this morning. What if she keeps spending and doesn’t get a job? What if we burn through our savings and have to get cash advances from credit cards? Interest rates on credit cards are outrageous. I could literally feel the stress. But this book taught me how to deal with negative thoughts. After a few minutes I was fine, and it’s now afternoon and I’m still fine. I’ll continue to be fine and anxiety free. It’s that easy.

Now the wacky stuff. Some of these exercises are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I like Cocoa Puffs just as much as the next person, but some of this stuff is wacked. One exercise is to re-write history or re-write your perception of reality. Interpret everything in your favor. Someone gives you a dirty look, it’s not because you’re an arrogant ignoramus but because they had a bad day or because they’re jealous or make up some other reason that gives you a deluded self-confidence.

Another wacky exercise is visualization where you visualize yourself doing something great and imagine people giving you applause. But without a doubt the zaniest is “Metta” where you mediate and imagine being in the presence of Buddha or Jesus or the Universe and hearing them say that you are perfect. You’re not perfect. You’re not a unique and beautiful snow flake. You’re the same organic matter as the rest of us, and we’re all in the same compost heap.

The author quotes one guy as saying, “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.” I’ve had the misfortune of coming across guys like this, and, yes, Virginia, they do come off as charismatic to equally shallow Americans, but these dudes are wacked. I have no desire to be like that.

But the thing is that it’s not necessary to implement the wacky stuff. There are some very legitimate and effective techniques described in the book.

Beyond that the book goes on to show how to implement these techniques in different situations like a crisis or leadership role. I’m looking forward to mastering these techniques and putting them into practice.

The Charisma Myth has opened my eyes up to my social capabilities. I know Im not a doormat and I need to project that power to other people. Im done not being taken seriously in job interviews because of nervousness. Im sick of giving the impression that I have no personality due to shy politeness. Thats really not who I am--I have a backbone, I speak my mind and I dont take crap. I want deep respect among my peers and for people to listen to me. I am so glad I discovered The Charisma Myth.

Olivia Fox Cabane is a professional charisma coach and lecturer, she has spoken at Stanford, Yale, Harvard, MIT and focuses on charisma coaching for professionals in business. If thats not great validation, what is? She explains that charisma is not something certain lucky people are simply born with--Charisma is a skill set that anybody is capable of developing. She gives great advice on projecting Presence, Power and Warmth, the three most valuable characteristics of charisma. The four different types of charisma are defined: Focus like Bill Gates & Gandhi; Visionary like Steve Jobs & Martin Luther King Jr.; Kindness like Princess Diana & The Dalai Lama; Authority like Winston Churchill & Margaret Thatcher. The book also covers overcoming your obstacles, creating positive mental states, making the right first impression, being a good speaker and listener, and body language. There are scientific explanations for how our mind affects our physiology and vice versa; how the brain works and how it can trick us. There are exercises to build skills such as- presence, de-stressing, neutralizing negativity, finding peace with difficult people, stretching your comfort zone, visualization, gratitude, compassion, using the Metta exercise, perfect handshake, voice fluctuation & vocal power, "Being the big Gorilla" authority projection, and showing vulnerability.

One of the biggest fundamental ideas, however, is to make others feel like remarkable people rather than portray yourself as top dog--you can have authority but not be perceived as likeable. The goal is to take interest in people and you will in turn be liked and have that power. That is more genuine than trying too hard to act boisterous, controlling, and demanding of attention. The book has helped me realize the behavior of others and why they may be acting that way. Its helped my angry mind rationalize my opinion of one particular person I worked with, who loved to hear themselves talk and always talked about themselves but I always knew they put on a front. I now realize this person is probably insecure and is overcompensating & using it as a defense mechanism. Ive actually had a few small social encounters where this person was relaxed, real and I thought they were decent. See? Its a first and false impression that can completely ruin other peoples perception! Even if you dont care what people think, still be aware of how others perceive you. *I still dont really like that person :)

My favorite quote from the book is one said by Dale Carnegie-- "You can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

All of this very technical information is written in a direct, easy-to-follow style. Its been a while since Ive had the patience to sit down and read a book, and I cant tell you how many times Ive started reading a book and didnt pick it up after a few chapters. Amazingly, I read this over the course of a 5-day period. The Charisma Myth is one of the most engaging, insightful and helpful books Ive EVER read. So I may not attend an Ivy-League school or work in business, but I can build these skills in my acting career--you absolutely need to be confident as an actor. If youre on the fence, read this book! Im happy I did.

Thank you, Olivia!

You will learn so much. Amazing success principles and things to help you with people skills. One of my favorite books to date

A basket full of useful, tangible techniques to improve your ability to influence individuals, groups, or crowds of people. A fast read with summaries and to-do work sheets at the end of each chapter. You will have a notebook full of exercises to practice. All of the examples and suggestions are tied to the world of business; nevertheless, the techniques are equally applicable in other areas of your life; family, friends, community organizations, and your own contentment. I give it 3 stars because I am bothered by the authors excess use of boasting / self-promotion and her value neutral approach. You will be learning tools that could be used for good or for harm. It would be nice, in my view, to occasionally encourage readers do good for others with these methods; not just to advance their high-octane career. That said, I would recommend this book to anyone willing to put effort into improving their ability to influence others, hopefully for the benefit of others.

Simply put, this book is a good read and an extremely useful toolbox. For anyone.

The first chapters deconstruct charisma from something mystical and genetic into a few basic behaviors that we can do something about. Its an idea both liberating and reassuring, and piqued my curiosity to read the rest (the framework for the book is in the first few chapters which you can read for free on Amazon).

What makes this book useful is the fact that you can act on it. Quickly. Every chapter has suggestions for actions you can take to improve how you present yourself to people. And these suggestions are not about reaching some nebulous goal of "improving charisma", they are about making better first impressions, giving better presentations, dealing with difficult people... scenarios that we all encounter regularly and all of us know we could handle better.

This is not just the province of sparkly-toothed sales people. I run a nonprofit, for example. I have to deal with donors and fundraising, I have presentations to give, and I have a team to manage. Every one of those activities --- whether I like it or not -- depends on how people perceive me. I think about the times Ive given incredibly thorough pitches to foundations, or proposed a new budget to my team, only to have it fall flat because of the way I presented the content and myself.

Heres one tiny example of something I found useful. One of the chapters made me realize that I nod often in conversation. I suppose I do it to indicate that Im listening. According to the book, nodding in agreement with people demonstrates empathy but lowers your projection of power and status. When you stop to think about it for a minute (imagine someone who nods a lot in conversation), its absolutely true. Im trying to do it less. Small tips like that, or pausing two seconds before you answer questions, are simple things that can make a difference in the outcome of critical interactions. Do I want that donor thinking Im a nice guy, or someone who can accomplish great things with her money?

This book presents a wide range of tools, from simple physical behaviors (like nodding, speaking, and handshakes); to more complicated communication like structuring feedback to people in difficult situations and making a better impression over the phone; to more subtle actions to improve your mental state going into important situations. All of these tools are actionable and summarized helpfully at the end of the chapter.

Criticisms? As with all of these kinds of books that deal with behavioral psychology and influence -- like Robert Cialdinis Influence -- there is a dollop or two of pop psychology that feels overly simplified. One or two of the examples are well-trodden and you may recognize them from other books. The author doesnt have time to go into the issue of how these observations translate across cultures -- and I imagine the rules would be different if you were in a business meeting in Japan. Lastly, the sheer breadth of topics and examples sometimes makes it feel like a grab bag. However, its a useful kind of grab bag: more like a swiss army knife than an overstuffed purse.

Overall, the thesis of the book is great, and the content was engaging and actionable. I would recommend it to my dad to improve the results he gets with his church vestry, an MBA looking to help navigate her way up the corporate ladder, a buddy going on his first date after a divorce, or a teacher preparing for her PTA meetings.

We all admire and envy those individuals that have it: the ability to walk into a room and captivate the attention of everyone. Imagine how much easier your life and your work would be if you had that natural quality. Everyone would want to be around you, would hang on every word that comes out of your mouth, and would want to do what you want.

In The Charisma Myth, Olivia Fox Cabane makes a convincing argument that you can have that ability, because charisma is the product of a certain mindset and behaviors that are trainable. In short, if you read this book, and practice and apply its techniques, you too can be the lightbulb instead of one of the moths.
When you come across a book like this, you may be reminded of the old ads in comic books when you were a kid, that promised to turn you from a 98-pound weakling into a musclebound stud who ruled the beach and got all the girls. The reality is that you can make the change--just dont expect it to happen overnight or without a lot of hard work. You have to work at the exercises even when they get hard.

Heres an example: One of the components of charisma is presence, which is a great thing to have but hard to define. In one of those aha! moments that seem obvious only in retrospect, presence is defined as the ability to be fully present in the moment, to be so focused on the person youre talking to that you can make them feel like theyre the most important person in the world at that time. Its a skill that Bill Clinton is said to have in spades. Thats great advice, and you will definitely see a difference if you work on it--but you can also imagine how hard it is to do. You may easily be distracted, be thinking ahead to what you want to say, have personal filters or biases against the person, etc. Yet, with practice and constant reminders, it is a skill that gets easier with time.

One way to make the skill easier to use is to have the right mental state, and the section of the book that deals with that topic is one of the best. You cant fake the body language and behaviors that make you charismatic; with a few exceptions, the psychology has to precede the physiology. For example, its hard to project confidence when youre tormented by doubts, and its tough to project warmth when you dont feel much compassion for the person youre talking to. If you can get into the right mindset of gratitude, goodwill and compassion, most of the behaviors and body language will take care of themselves.

The book itself is excellent: its evidence-based, filled with useful information and practical tips, and well-written. If you read it carefully, do some of the exercises and work on applying some of its tips in your work and personal relationships, you should definitely improve the quality of your interactions and increase your influence.

The book does a good job of explaining the components of charisma and then suggesting ways to increase each factor, both in general terms and in specific situations. In general terms, you want to focus on improving your presence, power and warmth. The specific situations are first impressions, speaking and listening, presentations, and difficult situations.

One of the reasons that charisma seems so mysterious is that so many different types of people can display it: its hard to find similarities between Marylin Monroe and George Patton, for example. Its easier to understand when you see that there are four types of charisma, focus (Clinton), kindness (Dalai Lama), visionary (Steve Jobs), and authority (Gates). Its also helpful because you can tailor your approach for the best fit with your own personality.

One quibble I have with the book is that an overreliance on using well-known people as examples can sometimes confuse cause and effects. For example, there is a quote from an executive raving about fact Bill Gates: "If its the quality that draws people towards you and makes them want to listen to what you have to say, then Bill has that, too." That may be true, but having nine zeros in your net worth and controlling the fate of so many people just might have something to do with it. Did Steve Jobs sell a lot of products because of his visionary charisma, or did the success of his visionary products make him charismatic?

Were hardwired to respond differently to high-status individuals. When a person surrounded by Secret Service agents takes the time to really focus on us, we feel special and it leaves a lasting impression. The same behavior by a lower ranking person can seem overly deferential and submissive. Thats why the sections that describe Cabanes successes with ordinary folks are the ones that resonate the most and are the most credible.

And thats the main point you should take from this book: everyone can learn to be more charismatic--if theyre willing to work at it. Charisma is not a quality--its a set of practices.

Absolutely Fine!
I "help", or give instruction to entrepreneurs regarding many aspects of the manner in which they might increase their business; be more comfortable contacting the correct audience; In addition Ive found areas of weakness they perceive, and sadly are correct in this self-assessment. Such areas as how to write a business email - there are tricks to use. How to use the basics of copywriting when corresponding or emailing for business. Then found these same individuals were screaming for someone to help them attract more people - in others words, as I determine they were asking - how do I become more able to talk with people, more conversant, do the small talk game. To which I said - you mean become a charming person? YES!. It will do you little good for me to instruct you, as the gumption necessary to absorb, to make what you are reading your own modus operandi IS within these pages. The cunning, but adroit, the practicality of what she give to you for the inexpensive price of a book, is beyond measure. However, be warned, it is not a walk-in-the-park you now need to go practice, practice, practice and more practice! This learned habit of acting charming will take you far in whatever direction, in whatever field, or possibly with your family. In so doing with your family, and it is a wish you have children who will, yes they WILL naturally adapt much of how you act. Children do do that, you know. Would THAT not be a lovely outcome?
In order to obtain the most benefit from this book of hundreds of charming gems, please read one chapter at a time. Read it, take notes as you will. Now, having read the chapter, absorbed the primary point of that chapter - now work on it. Practice the lesson. then practice the lesson again, again, again.. Then begin to broaden you scope by observing the action discussed in other people you are around, Practice, practice, practice the primary theme of the chapter. When you feel a little confident - great confidence comes after years of practice. Then repeat - read the next chapter - repeat the at least week long process of observe, practice, observe, practice. This way you WILL learn the lesson she so skillfully is teaching you. But, if you choose to read this book of gems as though it is a novel, you have wasted your time. In a month you MAY remember one or two of the primary and well storied themes or points of a chapter. it WILL NOT be yours. And it will be fun! Fun watching yourself learn and watching those l about you, who have not a resource like you have. Watch them go about their bumbling ways and smile for you know what to do in the situation you observe that person in. Furthermore - you too were the bumbling person they now are. It IS fun - I know. i have done it.

This lovely gracious woman, Olivia Fox Cabane, has such a gift for sharing her wisdom, explaining her passion, walking someone thru the not all that easy process. An extraordinarily valuable lessons are held within the covers of this not very llllllarge . But, as I explained- IT WILL WORK. You may not be the next Bill Clinton (politics aside) but you WILL find many areas where, heretofore you were, as is said - clueless. The book is a source for anyone willing to put a bit of polish on how they currently act. It is the go-to book for one wanting to take good ole Susie here, and revamp her from A - appearance to her Z - zombied, zippered zoot-suit!
A lesson in CHARM - If one believes it is necessary, OR if one was not even aware a certain type behavior, mannerism, style of speaking, avoidable accent,, coveted atyle was attainable - read the book. existed, was in existance - this is the book for you.

Im not sure how to feel about this book. Olivia Fox Cabane is a charisma coach of sorts, and Im sure shes great at her job. On that grounds, its reasonable to assume that she has some good advice on being charismatic. And thats true, to an extent. What Cabane isnt is a psychologist, so we can only trust that she has researched the field well and brings us valid conclusions. Sadly, this book doesnt always bring that. Among other things, Cabane brings up studies from psychology superstars like Baumeisters "willpower is like a muscle" idea or Amy Cuddys power posing. The problem with that is that these "superstar" studies tend to fail to replicate, meaning that when tested, their theories fail to hold up, and if were looking for advice for applying psychology to our own lives, its entirely counterproductive to read a book with advice based on them. Popular psychology and self-help books, especially the new wave of self help that pinky promises theyre based on real research, are plagued with this kind of stuff. (The willpower muscle is a really shoddy theoretical concept to begin with, and nobody should be concerned too much about their own willpower. Read about self-management in the field of applied behavior analysis to learn more. If I can reconmend one thing in this review, its for you to start being skeptical of popular psychology in self-help and the "superstars" that follow these kinds of theories.)

One of the core messages of this book is that you have to feel the emotions you want to project. If youre feeling anxious or generally negative, as the book says, these emotions will "leak" out (in the form of micro expressions, which are pretty much agreed to not be detectable by almost all people), and turn people off. I cant really accept this idea mostly because Ive seen so many counterexamples of it. Ive seen and known lots of incredibly anxious or depressed people project intense charisma, usually out of their own social anxiety and desire to be accepted. Theres no way you can put former idea forward and not acknowledge the latter. I dont have any problem accepting that positive emotions will help you perform charismatic behaviors, I think thats true, but its simply not true that one feeling negative emotions will never be charismatic. Charismatic behavior is charismatic behavior. To be charismatic, perform charismatic behavior. Thats all there is to it.

Running with this idea, the book then tries to present, in a few chapters, some kind of platter or quick fixes to treat negative emotions. This part really confuses me. What is she trying to do? Write a self-help book for every negative emotion, anxiety, and depression? Again, these are certainly useful for psyching yourself into a mood that will assist you in performing charismatic behaviors, but its like shes trying to conjure up some mindfulness based self-help treatment for everything. Cabane is a coach, not a psychologist. But she writes like she has that authority. And it comes down hard.

So what does this book do well? In her element, Cabanes classification of charisma styles is brilliant. She has wonderful advice and presents and explains lots of charismatic behaviors. Shes great at this! Ive remembered lots of the tips and ideas from the latter part of this book and have used them to great success. The stuff about conscious mirroring is fantastic, as well as the "presence, power, and warmth" framework of charisma. I liked the stuff on warmth the best.

Overall, Id recommend this book but only if you take the "you have to have positive emotions to be charismatic so heres how to deal with all negative emotions in 3 chapters" part with a grain of salt. Oh, and google the replication crisis of psychology, and take a clear mental note of the pop star researchers and smash hit theories that have been debunked. Youll encounter a few of them in this book. Finally, dont get discouraged, because most of what comes after is absolutely solid advice on being charismatic, and what factors make up charisma.